Here are 5 practical tips to create a healthy sex life! This post can absolutely apply to someone newly married or 50 years, so don’t hesitate to read through it because it’s never too late to learn and build amazing intimacy with your spouse!
There is SO much that can be said about sex and so much unlearning and learning when it comes to this topic. So many lies have been targeted towards men and women about sex and I think, culturally, we are in a place of discovery of the goodness of sex and our bodies. St. JPII’s Theology of the Body encompasses so much about the human person (about sex & more!) and we have his work to thank and praise God for because his writing is breaking through so many of the stereotypes and struggles around the human person, specifically with the body.
Know that you are not alone, it’s okay to ask questions, and it’s important to hold space for this because we are created body AND soul and we are meant to live integrated lives.
Bridget Busacker
Sex is so good and it is meant to be a GIFT in marriage. Yes, it can be a cross at times, but as Catholics, we make space for the both/and. It is possible that sex can be a gift and a cross. We have the opportunity to learn, grow, and deepen marriages through the understanding of sex and our bodies. The integration of the person is so important to make sense of how we live and how we love.
I’m going to focus on 5 practical aspects of sex to help support you in the everyday and what you can do to build a great, holy sex life in your marriage!
5 practical tips
- Use lubricant: There is nothing wrong or illicit with using lubricant. It’s not dirty or wrong. It’s SO helpful to use it and help decrease discomfort and pain for women. Since women naturally create lubricant through arousal, it’s possible to forgo lube, but even with great foreplay, lubricant helps so much! Here’s a list of clean, safe brands to use. Avoid scented, flavored or warming lubes/gels – lots of toxins & chemicals you do NOT need in your body or going in your v*gina.
- Grab a towel: have towels specifically set aside for sex. This will help with liquids post-sex that occur. No, this isn’t gross to talk about! It’s TOTALLY normal to have post-sex discharge from lubricant and ejaculation (semen).
- Urinate 0-30 min after sex: In order to prevent a urinary tract infection (UTI), it’s important for women to pee after sex. Be sure to do it within 30 min post-sex, so that you can avoid an infection.
- Communicate: it will be awkward, but it’s important to communicate what feels good & what doesn’t. You don’t need to be silently hating sex with your spouse. Share with each other what feels good & what doesn’t to learn each other and, yes, you might get to a point where you don’t need to say much. But, seasons of life change and communication doesn’t go away in marriage. You just get better at it the more you do it and the more you share what you need! Give each other permission to create a sacred, safe space to share your needs. This is vulnerable! It’s okay that you feel uncomfortable. Take the pressure off each other and learn together!
- Sex shouldn’t be painful*: sex may be uncomfortable as you figure out what feels good & what doesn’t, but pain is an indicator that something isn’t working well. This doesn’t mean you are broken, something is wrong with you, or sex will always be horrible! Your body is telling you something isn’t right, so it’s important to listen.
- *What you can do to address painful sex:
- 1) Use enough lubricant. This can help with discomfort or pain.
- 2) Try different positions. Communicate about what feels good & what doesn’t.
- 3) Seek out help with a pelvic floor therapist. You may physically have some tight muscles or discomfort that needs to be addressed. A pelvic floor therapist can also help address any issues of trauma or mindset work that may be impacting your experience with sex.
- 4) Seek out a therapist. There is NO shame in talking to someone about your challenges with sex! You may have thought patterns or blocks about sex that are impacting you from having awesome sex with your spouse. You may have experienced trauma of some kind that is negatively impacting your experience with sex that requires additional support. There is NO SHAME in seeking help! By doing so, you are taking care of yourself. This is amazing and so powerful!
The movies won’t – and don’t need! – to be our example of great sex. Keep in mind, the movies seem to only show great sex with unmarried couples and usually portray married couples as having lame or failing relationships. It IS possible to have a great marriage and great sex! And, it’s okay to love sex with your spouse! It’s good and normal!
We can talk about these things in reverent, practical ways. We don’t need to hide these conversations away. So many of us have questions that we desire answers for because we want to love our spouses well! Having answers to our questions and helpful information help us to love well. I’m right there with you.
Praying for you and for holy, thriving marriages!
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