Here’s an example: I need to have sex with my husband even though I’m touched out and exhausted from the kids because sex is good and I have to sacrificially love him.
That’s not sacrificially loving someone. Sacrificially loving someone is giving FREELY of yourself. You can absolutely be tired from the day and have sex with your spouse. But, are you choosing to do it freely or begrudgingly? Are you saying “yes” out of guilt or fear?
Sex isn’t a checklist item or something to be done out of guilt, fear, or frustration. And, as women, we are often told we need to satisfy the needs of our husbands without extending the conversation to BOTH spouses.
Let’s be clear: Your husband’s desire for you is not bad. His desire to love you is not bad. His desire to give of himself to YOU in sex is not bad.
What’s problematic is that we often forget the other person in this equation for the two to become one: the woman’s desires & the ability for her to engage in sex (and not be a million miles away or wishing she could sit by herself on the couch).
When you spiritually bypass sex in your relationship, you are doing disservice to both of you. And, you can create some serious scrupulosity and enslavement with sex. God made sex and it is good. And, it has the power to be freeing, healing, and holy in marriage.
What could authentic sacrificial love look like?
If you’re exhausted from the day, your husband saying that sex could be awesome may hit your nerves the wrong way. You may snap or say “NOT TONIGHT!” in a firmer tone then you intended.
Instead of saying “NO WAY”, identify what you need and ask your husband to help you. This isn’t to create a give and take relationship by any means. It’s inviting your husband in to help you be able to enjoy sex with him and asking him to help you make that happen. It’s not selfish, it’s not “payment” – it’s you being human in your marriage and inviting your husband INTO relationship with you rather than telling him to back off.
“Hey, I’m so overwhelmed from the day, could I have 30 min to unwind while you take the kids for a bit? I’d like to say yes to sex with you, right now I’m really struggling with feeling overwhelmed.”
Your husband wants to love you! Give him this opportunity and if guilt comes up, acknowledge it and remind your body that you are safe and guilt isn’t needed right now to protect you.
This time to yourself can help you relax and take a moment to yourself from the overwhelm you’re experiencing and the rush of the day. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself.
Let me be clear: you have to figure out what this looks like in YOUR relationship. The example I give may work for me, but it may not work for you. This is where you have to do the work and dig deep to see what may be holding you and your husband back from having awesome sex together.
Sometimes, sex will be fairly uneventful or not so amazing, but it will still feel nice to connect in such a deep way with each other. Other times, it will be amazing!
Give yourself the opportunity to be fueled up emotionally, so you can give physically to your spouse and so your husband has the same opportunity.
Figure out what works for you rather than becoming robotic or adding sex as a checklist item you need to get through.
Sex is not meant to be something you get through. It’s meant to be enjoyed and to connect you two together. It’s a physical renewal of your wedding vows. And, it’s a reflection of the love of the Trinity.
Great sex and great intimacy takes work. So, instead of hitting “next” on your Netflix show or checking off one more item on your to do list, how could you take care of yourself so you can enjoy sex with your husband and have fun with him?!
