Lately, I’ve become increasing frustrated by the generalized and non-specific conversations I’ve seen regarding sex and intimacy. I’m specifically leaning into Catholic circles when I make this statement. There seems to be fear and uncertainty exuded around this topic and I want to dig into this a bit more.
I’ve seen…
- Fear of being irreverent about sex and the body.
- Fear of being condemned for asking honest questions.
- Fear of being judged for needing clarification about certain aspects of sex.
I’m tired of seeing this dance in Catholic circles around sex because we so badly don’t want to lead people away from the beauty of our bodies and sex – so much so that we refuse to talk about it.
Did you know Jansenism is a heresy that is denounced TWICE by the Catholic Church? Jansenism was a movement in the 17th and 18th centuries that had a strongly held puritanical view of the body and sex. It denied the role of free will and the ability to accept God’s mercy & grace. This included people who were contrite and sorry for their sins being turned away from the confessional because it just wasn’t “good enough”. Can you imagine the hopelessness this created??
This messed up belief was found all over France, Italy, and eventually made its way to seminaries in Ireland. Eventually, it hit the western world quite dramatically with so many coming to America in the early 1900s from these countries that were battered down by Jansenism. St. Therese of Lisieux, Doctor of the Church, is a warrior for God against the evils of Jansenism in the Catholic Church and most commonly known for her “Little Way of Love”. Fr. Michael Gaitley, in the Formed series on Divine Mercy, had this to say about Jansenism (episode 2): “As is often the case, the one who has to fight against an evil often has to be its first victim.” St. Therese was a victim of Jansenism that experienced the miraculous healing at the age of 12 that opened her to the merciful ways of Jesus and helped her let go of her scrupulosity that, at times, overwhelmed her.
Jansenism seeped into our seminaries, our communities, our families – our very cultures! And, we see the ramifications to this day. We see the desire to rid ourselves of this belief by swinging in the opposite direction and being explicit – practically pornographic – in our desire to be rid of the hopelessness that our bodies are not good, we are not good, and we are not worthy of mercy. By leaning into this pendulum swing, we create a new kind of hopelessness. One that leaves us empty, alone, and frustrated.
How is it that we can talk so much about sex, but not really TALK about it? We allude to it, we market sex, and we try and normalize the body and, yet, we still see so much driftlessness and uncertainty.
As Catholics, we have theology that speaks to the gift of the body and the understanding that sex is GOOD. God made sex! Therefore, in and of itself, it is good (it can’t be bad; we can twist it in our brokenness, but objectively – it’s good). Jansenism did a number on us, but the Catholic Church has denied the heresy and since Her rejection, we’ve seen Theology of the Body being proliferated and conversations around the body expanding and becoming less uncomfortable. But, there is still more work to do.
We need to be specific in how we talk about sex. Being specific doesn’t mean being irreverent. Being specific means sharing about how the body works to young men and women, so they understand how their bodies work and what’s going on in the early stages of puberty. It’s using anatomically correct parts because these words that describe body parts (think: vagina, penis, labia) are not dirty words. They are objective descriptions of how the body works and help create informed consent for young and old when we know how our bodies work and what body parts are named. We need to have honest conversations with those engaged to understand how sex works and how to view sex in a healthy, holy way that includes using lubrication (it is licit) and women urinating 30 minutes after sex to avoid a urinary tract infection (UTI).
The movies don’t show or talk about these things and we shouldn’t be relying on the movies to do the work of educating us about our bodies. As I type that out, it makes no sense to set such an expectation! By being specific, by receiving questions that arise, and helping guide these conversations towards a healthy, holy, and positive view of sex and the human body, we create healthy, functioning marriages. We help bring healing where there is pain. We help each other recognize the goodness of body AND soul.
Let’s be specific AND reverent when we talk about sex. By being thoughtful and respectful in our conversations, we honor the body, the way in which we are made, and give all glory to God. He made us and He made our bodies, designed sex for married couples, and created us to live in the light of these truths. Let’s embrace it! Souls depend on it.
