Do you experience painful sex?
This is a really common experience for women. So often, we think we are alone and we need to push through in the hopes that “someday it’ll get better” with our spouse.
There are practical steps you can do to help minimize painful sex, so that you can enjoy sex with your spouse.
1) Use lubricant. It sounds so simple, but sometimes we’re not using a lubricant that works well for us and our body chemistry. There are many low-tox brands available that are safe for use and don’t have additives in it that can sometimes cause irritation or don’t actually do its intended job (creating great lubrication!). Here are some brand recommendations for you to try to see what works for you.
Lubricant is a great way to help with pain, especially if your own natural lubricant isn’t enough to help with fit and comfort.
Lubricant is totally licit and there are no moral issues with using it.
2) Learn each other’s arousal curves & libido responses. Women and men have different arousal curve responses and oftentimes women take longer to experience arousal than men. It’s not about perfect sex every time, but rather recognizing how you respond and what helps you enter into sex together that can really change your experience together and minimize pain.
Remember, arousal curve isn’t simply about the differences of men and women, but you as an individual and your spouse as an individual. Learning each other takes time and it’s a worthwhile investment to communicate, ask each other questions about what feels good (or doesn’t!), and leaning into different seasons of life that can bring changes to your libidos.
Additionally, it’s helpful to identify your libido responses.
If you are someone that can think about sex and become physically aroused, you likely have a spontaneous libido response.
If you are someone that experiences physical touch and becomes aroused, which engages your interest in sex, you likely have a responsive libido.
There is no set box that men fall in one category or women fall into another. Each couple is different and each individual is different, so it’s helpful to learn yourself and each other to better understand what helps each other engage in interest in sex and want to experience sex together!
3) Communicate what works and what doesn’t. I said it in the previous point, but I’ll say it again: communicate! It can feel awkward to say “that feels great” or “ooo that doesn’t feel awesome” when you’re having sex, but it can really help your spouse know what helps you enjoy sex and to help you enter into the experience together. Otherwise, you’ll be distracted by something that doesn’t feel great or that comfortable.
You can also communicate outside of sex and it’s worthwhile to check in to ask about preferences, what feels good, or what isn’t that awesome. Sometimes, a certain touch that usually feels great doesn’t feel so awesome lately, and it’s okay to communicate that!
Sex with your spouse will continue to change and evolve in the best ways possible when you incorporate great communication, so that you can grow in intimacy and your comfort together in sharing in great sex!
4) Work with a pelvic floor physical therapist. If you find that you’ve tried lubricant, working with your libido and arousal curve, communicating your needs, and the pain is still present, it may be time to schedule a visit with a pelvic floor physical therapist.
A pelvic floor physical therapist can help you identify if there are tweaks or changes you can make with your pelvic floor and the muscles that are so intricate in your pelvic floor. There can be a mind-body connection taking place, too, so that can be explored (which will be addressed in #5).
If you’re nervous about what a visit with a pelvic floor PT would be like or want to learn more before scheduling, take a listen to this episode with Dr. Chelsea Harkins, who does an amazing job explaining all the ways PT can help women with their pelvic floor – beyond sex!
5) Work with a therapist. Therapy can also be a much needed resource when it comes to experiences with painful sex. Sometimes, we’ve had experiences or trauma that has occurred that needs to be addressed and we need to bring healing to this area of our lives to help us experience peace with our bodies.
The mind-body connection is very strong and research has found that when we address certain wounds and experiences, it can help improve our experiences in sex, too.
All of the options listed above can help you experience great sex with your spouse and to improve the pain you may be experiencing right now. There is no shame in getting help in order for you to have a better experience in sex and to minimize (or completely eliminate!) the pain that currently exists in sex for you.
Leaning into an integrative life can be hard work sometimes, but it it so worth it for yourself and for your marriage!
