Do you struggle with sexual sin(s) in your relationship?
Maybe you’re thinking, “What the heck does that even mean?”
Masturbation. Watching and/or reading porn. Engaging in pre-marital sex (a stranger, acquaintance, boyfriend or fiancé).
Maybe you’re dating, engaged, or you’re TTA and you’re getting cozy on the couch.
You start making out and you sexually arouse each other. Maybe you experience a mini “o” or he accidentally ejaculates (yes, we’re talking clothes on). It can happen. And, I want to be really honest about it.
What exactly makes this a sin?
First, intentionally sexually arousing each other, you sin against the virtue of prudence.
You knew what you were supposed to do (read: not sexually arouse each other) and you didn’t want to say “no”.
Saying “no” to desires – especially sexual – is HARD. But, it’s necessary because you are not an animal and you ARE capable of mastering your sexual desires and urges.
Secondly, sexual sins cut you off from God’s grace and it’s actually a mortal sin.
What is a mortal sin?
According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, “For a sin to be mortal, three conditions must together be met: “Mortal sin is sin whose object is grave matter and which is also committed with full knowledge and deliberate consent” (CCC, 1857).
By engaging in sex outside of marriage, you disorder the gift specifically designed FOR marriage and sin against the gift of sex and sexual intimacy created for man and woman within marriage.
Sin is real.
And, so is mercy.
Running to Jesus in confession is so necessary.
And, you need to be honest with yourself: Is this a repeat offense? Is this a sin that keeps coming up?
Instead of beating yourself up, get curious with the Holy Spirit and, in love, be honest about what’s going on.
What leads you to sexually arouse your partner?
What leads you to desire sexual arousal?
Why do you want to experience it?
Are you worried about anything? (Ex. “If don’t engage in steamy sessions, I’m a bad x or this person won’t love me anymore!”
Get to the heart of the issue.
What comes up for you? What do you feel deep down inside of you that is time to bring to the light?
Chasity is about integration. The mastery of your desires helps you to love the other.
St. Thomas Aquinas said that “to love is to will the good of the other”.
When you sin against prudence, authentic love, and both your body and your partner’s body, you sever yourselves from God’s grace you need in your relationship and you start to further yourself from love. You start to prioritize your own desires rather than seeing the goodness of desire & communion of body (which is why sex is reserved for marriage in the Catholic Church due to the orientation of reflecting the love of the Trinity, the renewal of the covenantal vows of marriage, and it’s ability for bonding the couple and creating new life).
Sexual freedom and sexual enslavement are tricky.
Making out, engaging in a little romp are all fun and games, until you realize you can’t say no to yourself very easily and that same sin keeps coming up in confession.
Do not give up on confession!
But practically, take those questions above and journal it out. Talk it through with your partner. Figure out what you can do together to kick the habit of use (it can feel like love, but it can quickly become challenging to figure out what’s an unmastered desire versus a loving and beautiful act).
I’m here to tell you from personal experience, the habit you’re building will not be fixed by marriage. It will not disappear once you say “I do”. David and I talk about our personal experience in this episode of the podcast.
In marriage, you will have the graces specific to the sacrament to help you! You will have each other to support one another. But, you have to actively choose good habits to build sexual freedom into your marriage.
It is possible! I’m here to tell you it really is (speaking from experience), but you have to do the work.
If you’re dating or engaged, start now in building great emotional intimacy in your relationship and set boundaries with sex and physical intimacy.
It’s not as simple as saying “we won’t make out tonight”. Ask me how I know.
Figure out what causes you to sin, to lay horizontal, and to say “to heck with it tonight!”.
Here’s an example, but remember this is just ONE example, you need to do the hard work by asking yourself and your partner what would work for the both of you:
If you usually find yourselves ending date night with a TV show that you end up not watching and making out instead (I see you, “next episode” on Netflix), then you need to decide to end your fun date after your date experience and say “no” to that TV show to end the night.
It’s hard. It doesn’t feel great. It can feel so natural to join your bodies – whether in sex or in foreplay sans sex – but your bodies are meant to be joined in marriage when you have exchanged vows and you pledge your life to one another.
It’s a hard truth, but it’s there to help you and protect you from enslavement. The church doesn’t create an arbitrary rule to be mean or inflict unnecessary suffering. She does so to help you live a life of freedom. The Church has the big picture in mind.
I think you can guess which head is thinking at this point in your date night. And, it’s definitely not seeing the big picture.
Sex is good. Orgasms are awesome. God made our bodies to reflect the mystery of the Trinity! God made us good and He made sex. He doesn’t make trash.
If you fall, go to confession.
Identify the root of the sin and what’s causing you to repeat it.
Pray for courage for yourself and your partner so you choose sexual freedom and experience a love that truly wills the good of the other.
