“There are things which a man is afraid to tell even to himself, and every decent man has a number of such things stored away in his mind.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Let me tell you, I’m one of those people who walks into a room with her mouth first. A true “sanguine” who tells people her feelings, what she ate that day, etc. I don’t hide many secrets.
One of the things deep within myself, that I kept very secret, was my greatest fear. I told people in icebreaker games and at friend gatherings, it was my fear of roller coasters, heights, skydiving… but really that wasn’t my number one fear. My number one fear was infertility.
My story begins when my period started. I had bad cramps and heavy bleeding, but, who didn’t? I missed dance and school sometimes but it wasn’t until college when I realized this wasn’t as normal as I thought. Many providers told me the only option for my pain was birth control pills. At that time, I was single, but my question was, What happens when I get married?
That’s why I started NFP charting before marriage. I wanted to figure out what was wrong and “fix it.” I knew something was not right and NFP gave me a voice, giving data to an otherwise vague assessment. Based on the charting and symptoms, providers told me it was very likely I had endometriosis, but it wasn’t able to be confirmed until surgery was performed.
I knew something was not right and NFP gave me a voice, giving data to an otherwise vague assessment.
Jenna Choe
My husband and I were married in 2018. After a year of not conceiving, my provider found a mass in my uterus, as well as several cysts and decided it was time for surgery. Surgery confirmed the unanswered question of 17 years: I had endometriosis as well as some features of PCOS. I am fully recovered and we are still trying to conceive, but it appears God’s timing and ways are not mine.
This waiting has not been easy. Although through it, I have learned so much. One of my biggest takeaways, enlightened by my husband, is this: God does not have a limited number of babies that he is gifting His children. Just because one of my friends becomes pregnant, it does not take a pregnancy away from me. We are meant to delight in their delight! So simple, but so changing. Now, I can freely celebrate with my friends, and not be steeped in my own self-pity.
This isn’t just about my story though. This is about the story that God has for all of us and how NFP is a part of it. He designed a woman’s body and He shaped our hearts. God knew my greatest fear, and in this place, He has met me. The fear of infertility is facing my husband and I today and the best part about it is that we are doing ok! I truly have begun to understand the verse “Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:10).
That doesn’t mean I don’t have my bad days, but it means that God is with me in it, and for that, I can rejoice!
