The discouraging “grey” period, and no, I am not talking about another sticker to add to your Creighton Model chart.
What I am talking about here is the time during your cycle in which you’re preeeetty sure you’re not in your fertile window, but you did start noticing your body showing potential signs of fertility. These “grey” signs might be especially familiar if you don’t have regular cycles. For those of you who are in that boat, I’ve been there, and I know it can be hard.
Charting Tools
While each natural family planning method applies various directives, my husband and I use the Marquette method. What we appreciate about using Marquette is that it incorporates electronic monitor readings cross checked with physical signs of approaching fertility. An at home device is used to measure your hormone levels to help you identify both the start and end of your fertile window. Depending on the consistency of your cycles, your abstinence period can be anywhere from one to over two weeks. While much more rare, there are couples who cannot risk getting pregnant due to health reasons and heroically abstain over a year’s time.
The Grey Period
When I got married, my six cycle chart included a nine day range from my earliest peak day to my last peak day. This meant that while we were trying to avoid, we could have a time of abstinence lasting longer than two weeks. Herein enters the “grey” period.
Sure, there were plenty of days when I was fairly certain I was not in my fertile window, but we knew that perfect use of the method is 98-99% effective and we were doing our best to practice it perfectly.
During months when my husband and I were trying to avoid getting pregnant, there were plenty of days earlier in my cycle when I would get a “high” reading on my fertility monitor. Sometimes when I saw these readings I noticed physical signs of my approaching fertility, but I wasn’t convinced that my fertility was “high”. Regardless, as much as I hoped that the monitor was wrong, both my visual observations and monitor reading did point to possible fertility. When fertile windows are long and unpredictable, it can seem much easier to open up the door to getting pregnant, and sometimes my husband and I did, and that’s okay. We knew we were making that choice, and we knew that we were increasing the likelihood of conception.
I think it is so important to be honest about this unclear time, because it occurs in so many women’s lives. Some women may have a predictable five to ten day fertile window each month, but I know several that do not. When I opened up with others about the confusion and frustration I had with charting, I was comforted by the number of women who shared a similar experience. It is so good and so helpful to be transparent about our struggles, because more often than not, it teaches us that we are not in it alone.
In Times of Abstinence
While abstinence doesn’t come easily, it is an excellent practice of self-mastery. We are saying no to our desires, our good desires, but we are making this sacrifice for the good of our spouse, our marriage, and our future family. It is also a powerful opportunity to offer up this intimacy with your spouse for a specific intention. Perhaps for a couple who is struggling to conceive, an intention on your spouse’ heart, or your own future children.
Another way for your marriage to thrive during times of abstinence is to intentionally plan activities you wouldn’t normally do as a way to connect. I am a big fan of planning fun outings or new experiences. While many of my pre-pandemic date ideas are less feasible to do now, I do my best to improvise. The cocktail room of our favorite distillery is currently closed, but we can still make an online order of their spirits, drive to pick it up, and search their website for new recipes to create and enjoy at home. If cocktails aren’t your thing but you really miss putting on your favorite lipstick as you head out for a nice dinner date, plan a date night in when both you and your husband commit to getting ready as if you are going to your favorite place, and order pick up. Or, think up a gourmet dinner, go grocery shopping together for the ingredients, and take your time cooking and enjoying conversation over dinner.
How NFP Will Enrich Your Relationship
The call to chastity is ongoing. But through the practice of the virtue of temperance, you and your spouse will reap the benefits not only of greater self-mastery, but also of deeper conversation and respect.
Each month we are given both the responsibility and the opportunity to discuss with one another our hopes and fears surrounding family life. This has led my husband and I to a lot of beautiful and intimate conversations. Though abstinence is tough, it has made my husband’s respect for me very apparent. In times of trying to avoid, I see so vividly how he honors our team decision.
With the commitment to Natural Family Planning comes a commitment to continuously pray about where the Lord is leading you and your spouse and invite Him into the decision making process. Again, this is another chance to strengthen your relationship with one another as you open yourselves up to vulnerability and entrust to your spouse what you have received through the Lord in prayer.
Susanna Parent
We also recognize that while the chance of conceiving while practicing natural family planning perfectly is very low, it is possible. Natural Family Planning leaves the door a crack open for the Lord, even if it is a very small one. But if He opens it, He will be with you every step of the way. He knows us through and through and He wants what’s best for us too!
