“How far is too far?” isn’t a dumb question.
I’ve heard that it’s not the “right” question and, to an extent, I understand that.
It’s really focused on yourself and what you can do with your significant other that will allow you pleasure without breaking any moral rules or tumbling and kissing your way into sin.
Sometimes, the question isn’t asked out of “how much pleasure can I get from this person?” as much as desperation and confusion.
“Like, for real, how far IS TOO FAR and what does healthy dating even MEAN?”
I think this question is often see as an opportunity to “get out of sin” free card in order to enjoy the physical attraction and pleasure you and your significant other feel towards each other. But, I also think this question is asked because individuals and couples are genuinely trying to figure out what’s okay and what’s not okay to do physically together while living in a pornified world.
The movies aren’t going to give you guidelines. Songs aren’t telling you to be thoughtful and don’t give in to every pleasurable experience. Even your friends are probably just as confused as you are.
You might know that you don’t want to have sex and you know you want to wait (regardless of your history or story). But, what’s beyond that? What about making out? Caressing genitals? Being a little touchy feely? Trailing kisses along the neck?
Did you get a little uneasy reading the honesty in those propositions? Well, I’m going to be honest because I know it’s what many are asking and few respond to in an effort to maintain modesty or help redirect the way of thinking about physical pleasure and touch.
These redirections and the attempt of modesty are not bad or wrong. That is definitely a part of the conversation and it’s an opportunity to redirect our love and our physical and emotional attraction, especially when dating and the opportunity to have sex needs to be reserved for marriage.
However, logistically: what is okay to engage in?!
There are so many opinions about xyz and what will lead to sin and what won’t cause any problems.
Here’s the bottom line: you have to discern for yourself, your significant other needs to do some personal discernment, and you need to think about the health of your relationship together. You do have to ask tough questions about whether or not you are seeking to love the person you are with or you really want a sexual release with this person (because, newsflash: not love). As nice as it can be to have steamy makeout sessions, if you can’t finish in sex, you are going to both end up sexually frustrated and probably makeout for 3 hours and finally come up for air only to realize that this really can’t go anywhere if you’re striving not to have sex.
So, now you’re sexually frustrated and wondering what the heck is going on.
Here are some honest questions to ask yourself:
- Is this actually loving my significant other?
- Am I able to maintain self-control, but they are not?
- Am I sexually frustrated or wanting release and it would feel good to makeout, so I can let go of the stress of the day, frustration with something going on, etc.?
- Is my desire to love this person physically? Am I annoyed I can’t have sex?
- Am I annoyed with the teachings the Catholic Church provides regarding sexuality, dating, and marriage?
- Do I desire to love this person, but don’t know how?
- Am I concerned if we don’t have a physical component to our relationship, we won’t have anything else to connect on?
- I really love this person and I’m frustrated I can’t show my love physically because it feels right. What feelings/emotions come up for me about this?
Be honest with yourself and don’t judge the thoughts and emotions that come up for you. It’s only going to help your relationship by being honest with yourself and where your love needs refinement. And, perhaps, where your desire needs some redirection, too.
Here’s the answer to “how far is too far?”.
If you are sexually arousing your significant other and/or yourself, you’re going too far and need to stop.
Sexual arousal may look different for some couples. However, if one individual gets sexually aroused from making out, then making out is off the table for you two and you need to identify strategies, so you can limit your opportunities to makeout.
Example: if you’re dropping off your significant other, but you decide to go down the dark alley instead of the well lit street to get to his/her apartment in the hopes he/she may also be interested in a makeout session, you’re setting each other up for failure. You’re also not loving that person because you know that making out gets them super sexually aroused. It’s about you and your sexual needs and not actually about loving this other person.
St. Thomas Aquinas reminds us: “to love is to will the good of the other”.
You do carry responsibility in your relationship and in your choices.
It’s not worth it to struggle alone.
Seek out another couple or a mentor you can talk to about your frustrations and your struggles, so you can grow in virtue and grow in your relationship together. Don’t let your sexual frustrations and desires cloud your ability to see and nurture other aspects of your relationship in order to determine if this is a person you can see yourself married to and vowing your life and bodies to each other forever!
Sometimes, while the sexual desire and physical intimacy can be fun and enjoyable, it also impairs the ability to see other areas of the relationship that are lacking and need your attention. Love needs to be the motivator – not lust.
It’s a journey and I’m praying for you! It’s not easy.
