Do you know what kind of libido you have?
Understanding your libido and taking practical steps to nurture your relationship and your own desire for sex can shift the way you experience sex with your spouse for the better! While air and water are necessary for survival, sex is not necessary for your survival. When you’re married, sex is an integral part of your marriage, but it is not something that you need to be stressfully engaging in or your marriage will fall apart. The goal is to create a flourishing, integrated intimacy with your spouse: in and outside the bedroom.
In this article, we’re going to focus on identifying your libido, how to understand it and not hate it, and practical steps you can take to improve sex with your spouse. Sex is a gift and it can be hard to prioritize this opportunity for connection when you feel the pressures of other responsibilities, mental load, work deadlines, home repairs, pelvic floor pain… insert whatever just popped into your head that can challenge your desire for your spouse!
Spontaneous vs. responsive libido
Spontaneous libido means that you experience the mental desire for sex first and the physical arousal second.
Responsive libido means that you experience the physical arousal first and the mental desire second.
Dr. Patricia Love* coined these desires as “sexy-body” and “sexy-mind” to help individuals understand the difference.
“Sexy-body” is a spontaneous libido and means a person walks around as “sex-ready”. This person can easily become aroused and can easily arouse desire by thought and would love to engage in sex.
“Sexy-mind” is a responsive libido and means a person who needs context or interaction to become fully aroused. A responsive libido is usually needs the “right” circumstances, feel calm, and not be focused on stressors around them to engage in sex.
*note that I cannot condone Dr. Love’s work in its entirety, but found these particular terms helpful in further explaining how to think about these two categorized desires.
Is one libido better than the other?
Unfortunately, there is a lot of conversation that one libido is better than the other and, oftentimes, it’s thought that a spontaneous libido is the “better” libido to have in a relationship.
In movies, we overwhelmingly see spontaneous libido portrayed and think that our interaction with our spouses (men or women) should play out in that way. The power of film can deeply impact the ways in which we view sex and relationships – for better or for worse.
Some experts have found that responsive libido becomes more common in relationships as depth is established and one or both spouses experiences the responsive drive rather than spontaneous (which can be more common in new relationships and early marriage).
Either way, both libidos are healthy and normal and it is not a sign of dysfunction.
Additionally, while men and women experience either libido, statistically it is more common for men to have a spontaneous libido and women to have a responsive libido. However, libido and desires can change throughout marriages and this can ebb and flow during different seasons of life.
The pressure of fulfilling a spontaneous drive is one we have seen portrayed in movies or we have seen messaging by “experts” predominantly shared in articles, how-to books, and blogs. A common misconception is that an individual with a spontaneous drive needs release and their drive is the most important and must be filled in a marriage. This does not account for loving your spouse (is he/she tired or stressed and needs connection and intimacy-building in other areas to enjoy sex with you?), the importance of self-control, and the need to be prudent in your relationship about lust attributing to your desire.
By helping individuals understand their libidos, it can help create healthier, more enjoyable sex for married couples (not just one person in the relationship).
If I have a responsive libido, how can I connect with my desire for my spouse?
First and foremost, it’s important not to put pressure on yourself if you are the individual in your marriage who experiences responsive libido. There is nothing wrong with you and you don’t need to “perform”. It is understandable why you might feel frustrated or annoyed that your libido isn’t spontaneous and it’s not quite as easy to desire sex.
However, there are a few practical things you can do to help you be open to sex with your spouse and appreciate their spontaneous drive without feeling like a gatekeeper.
1) Get enough sleep. While it might sound silly, taking care of your body is an important step in helping you to engage in sex and be open to sex with your spouse. When you are sleep-deprived, it can often lead to increased anxiety, frustrations, and the inability to stay grounded. When you don’t have enough sleep, it can impact your ability to connect with others, which includes your spouse.
2) Hydrate & eat well. You don’t need to be perfect in your habits, but, in the same way you take care of yourself with getting sleep, by staying hydrated and eating well (remember that 80/20 tip), this can help you feel better mentally, physically and emotionally. When you take care of the basics of your health, you leave space & time to have energy for play and rest with your spouse!
3) Create “talk time” with your spouse. Schedule in time once a week to deeply connect with your spouse (beyond the “how is your day?”). Put it in your calendar that this is your time to connect with your spouse. It might be early in the morning before kids get up or you start your work days. It might be in the evening once the kitchen is clean and you can sit together and check in about how you’re doing. It might not feel very fun at first, but when you prioritize each other and communicating beyond house projects, you build in time for deeper connection together which will have a positive impact on sex! Especially for the spouse that has a responsive libido, being able to share the stressors or thoughts that can hold you back from sex can be so helpful.
4) Schedule sex. While it might sound terrible or “un-fun”, some couples find that scheduling in sex can help them each anticipate sex, send each other texts about looking forward to sex together, etc. This can also help for a spouse that has a particularly exhausting job to pace themselves that day, knowing that sex is going to be enjoyed that evening together. Or, if you’re having morning sex, to have a nice bedtime routine and get to bed early, so you can enjoy sex the next morning. Planning ahead, while not what we may hear other couples talk about or see in the movies, is a common strategy to help with different libidos and prioritizing physical connection with your spouse.
5) Create a fulfilling intimate life (outside the bedroom!). Be sure to understand each other’s love languages and learn each other. Talk openly about likes and dislikes when it comes to your intimate life. Do you like hugs? Do you feel loved by gifts? Does your spouse taking out the trash light you up? Maybe it’s laughing together with your favorite show or board game? This will change as the seasons of your marriage change, so it will require regular check-ins, but it is worth it! Understanding how each spouse appreciates and feels loved can create fulfilling opportunities of connection outside the bedroom, which is so important to an integrated intimate life.
What else would you add? What more do you want to know about this topic?
