Let’s talk about abstaining from sex & pregnancy! Abstaining during the fertile period (TTA) can be challenging & overwhelming because the discernment process isn’t always easy. It can feel gray at times (or most times). And, other times, it’s very clear why you need to TTA.
I’m not getting specific on purpose because the Catholic Church doesn’t provide a checklist when it comes to abstaining (and this isn’t new). A checklist doesn’t exist because the Church is trying to make you suffer unnecessarily. It’s because it is about challenging you to cultivate a relationship with God and your spouse by having conversations together, praying together, and being formed on the path of holiness. Even in saying that, there is messiness because we’re human beings and we have many challenges we are up against. Not only do we need to be formed in the basics of discernment (which is SORELY LACKING for all lay people). We also need to apply those skills to the decisions we make in the people and medicine we use to help us in our health and marriage journeys. When I refer to this, I mean: counseling, therapy, coaching, medical practices. This is not a full list, but I want to give you an idea of what I’m referring to when I say this.
The reality of sex is that it’s not only physical. It’s also spiritual because we are both spiritual and physical beings and living out this integration is what allows us to live marriages that are free, total, faithful, and fruitful.
The 4 areas the Catholic Church provides as a framework for discernment come from Humanae Vitae:
- Physical
- Economic
- Psychological
- Social
“Responsible parenthood, as we use the term here, has one further essential aspect of paramount importance. It concerns the objective moral order which was established by God, and of which a right conscience is the true interpreter. In a word, the exercise of responsible parenthood requires that husband and wife, keeping a right order of priorities, recognize their own duties toward God, themselves, their families, and human society.” – Humanae Vitae
Abstaining from sex isn’t a sin. Using contraception is a sin. Now, it is possible to abstain for selfish reasons and this is why implementing NFP into your marriage rather than contraception is important – and can be very helpful. NFP is designed to not only help a woman understand her body, but to allow the couple to use the information to make informed decisions about family planning. It is a sacrificial-based system. When you want sex and you can’t have it, that can bring up a lot of feelings & emotions. It’s a very different challenge than simply slipping on a condom and not thinking twice. NFP requires you to practice self-control. It requires virtue-building. There’s no way around it.
For example: if your reasons for avoiding a pregnancy are not discerned well (or maybe discerned at all) and you find frustrations are mounting in not being able to have sex with your spouse, it requires not only an examination of your reason for abstaining, but also an examination of your own heart.
Is abstaining actually a good for your marriage right now? Are there other concerns that are at play that would make a pregnancy unsafe or incredibly hard? Are you struggling with lust or wanting to use your spouse for your own pleasure? Can you find different ways to love your spouse?
These are the questions and challenges that come up in using NFP. It’s not easy work. You can’t numb out from your life. And, I’ll make the argument: wouldn’t you rather grow in self-awareness and root out your vices than numb out? If you’ve seen or listened to Wicked, you’ll remember the song “Dancing Through Life”. I think the lyrics speak to the challenge of our times when we choose virtue over vice, NFP over contraception, and allowing God to be a part of sex:
Dancing through life
Skimming the surface
Gliding where turf is smooth
Life’s more painless
For the brainless
Why think too hard?
When it’s so soothing
Dancing through life
No need to tough it
When you can sluff it off as I do
Nothing matters
But knowing nothing matters
It’s just life
So keep dancing through.
Dancing Through Life, Wicked: A Musical
There is joy in life when we actually live it and we go beyond the surface. The coexistence of joy & sorrow is a very real part of life and to try to live to avoid pain means you’re not really living. NFP is hard work. It requires self-examination, prayer, the sacraments, communication with your spouse, and humility (acknowledging yourself, your desires, and your intentions honestly without filters & pretenses). It can bring up the vices you struggle with, the areas where healing is needed, and it presents you with the opportunity to surrender more and more of your life to God. It begs the question: What and who am I living for?
We have to have purpose and reason for our life. If our goal isn’t Heaven and we aren’t striving to become saints, then, frankly, NFP makes zero sense. The science will only get you so far. It’s the theological component of NFP that makes it “next level” and helps you on your path to holiness.
I’m not here to pretend it’s all sunshine and roses. I’m here to be honest with you and to give you the tools and the information you need, so you can choose NFP with eyes wide open and in freedom. That’s ultimately what God and the Catholic Church wants for you: freedom and joy in Christ Jesus! And, yes, I do believe that this can come through the practice of NFP.
