We seem to be stuck in two extremes culturally: porn culture and purity culture. And, when I say we need to go back to the middle, I’m not saying relativism and a “you do you” approach. We genuinely need to seek middle ground because it’s where we find bonding & babies meet in sex.
Porn culture has twisted what’s ordered, so we now primarily find:
- Sex is only for pleasure
- 50 shades of gray is the best way to have a great sex life
- Porn is normal
- Sex can be bought and sold
- Eroticism is dirty
- Sex is dirty and exciting when you’re dating – but boring when you’re married
- Etc.
Purity culture has also twisted what’s ordered, so we now primarily find:
- Words like vagina, sex, penis, and vulva are bad or too inappropriate to say aloud
- Celebrates the number of babies you have, but demonizes how babies are made (aka sex)
- Pleasure in sex is not for those who are pure of heart
- Lingerie is terrifying
- Missionary style sex is the holiest way to have sex
- Etc.
The lists for both go on and the lies go deeper. You might have 2 more items or 50 items to add to either or both lists.
Here’s what we need to acknowledge in the murkiness of it all:
God made sex. And, whatever God makes, it is GOOD.
The devil has twisted sex so much and we try to respond and fail. Why? Because we leave God out of it. We try to fix it ourselves and lack honesty about the struggles of sex, the gray that we feel, the abuse that might be involved, the sexual assault we are terrified to voice.
GOD IS BIGGER. And, we need Him if we want order. We also need to be honest about our struggles and identify the wounds we’ve experienced. This isn’t about “praying it away”. This is so much about the integration of prayer and healing through therapy, so that what has been disordered in our lives can become ordered again. True freedom embraces sex in its goodness and in the recognition that it is ordered towards the pleasure and enjoyment of both spouses and the possibility of new life.
Our bodies and sex are good, holy, and beautiful. Our worth is not dependent on what others think of us or how we think of ourselves. We are objectively worthy.
Practically, what might it look like to start untwisting these lies and wounds?
Here’s a starting list:
- Using appropriate anatomical words to reverence the body
- Recognizing that sex is for both bonding and babies (check out our Sex & Intimacy page for more information and resources)
- Teaching children about the goodness of their bodies by teaching correct terminology, good touch and bad touch, body positivity, and period positivity
- Reading and learning about Theology of the Body to rewire what has gone haywire culturally today, so we can ground ourselves in truth
- Having conversations with our children when these topics arise instead of blushing and saying things that hinder their ability to love and understand the goodness of their bodies
- Talking about sex in marriage prep
- Talking about the struggles of NFP with engaged couples
- Forming community with other married couples to create safe spaces to talk about NFP and sex
- Being honest about parameters when it comes to sex
- Identifying what’s licit and illicit according to Catholic Church teaching and understanding why (read: oral stimulation, lingerie, vibrators, lube, sex toys – we need to talk about it!)
- Going to therapy to address and heal wounds
If the Catholic Church holds the goodness and truth about the beauty of the body and provides answers to these often tough topics, why are we not talking about it? If we have the answers, then let’s seek it out, talk about it, and grapple with it because we are the culture. And, God makes all things new.
