I’d recommend working with your instructor and/or practitioner about hormonal imbalances because sometimes low libido can be a sign of a hormonal imbalance. I would also work with your instructor to assess other aspects of your health. What you’re eating, how you’re sleeping, movement, stress factors, etc. These can absolutely impact desire for sex or not and it’s really good to do an assessment of yourself! Be gentle and lead with curiosity. An assessment of how you’re doing is not meant to shame you, but rather to become the best version of yourself and feel great!
Secondly, I think mindset and cultural narratives impact libido. There are strong narratives around a husband and his “needs”, while we rarely emphasize the need of husbands and wives. Or, the needs wives (especially those with a high sex drive).
Why is that when we get married, husbands are suddenly libido-driven monsters who need to be satisfied so we can finally get some time to ourselves?
While respecting our need for space or some alone time is important (I’m not saying: be available at all times), I am going to challenge the narratives that run through your head. This next section is intended for someone in a healthy relationship where respect is mutual.
Do you see your husband as desiring to love you or desiring to use you?
I recently have been using a new script when I find my own narrative is: Ugh, he wants to have sex. I’m so x.
Here’s my script: My husband desires me and he desires to love me and be with me. This is awesome!
This doesn’t mean I’m not acknowledging I’m x (whatever “x” may be). I’m getting at the crux of the thought: I see my husband as having a need and I have to meet it being the enslaved married woman I am. Truly, it can become very self-pitying or martyrdom vibes very quickly for me. By changing what I think and say about sex, my narrative becomes one of receptivity and trust in my spouse instead. And, this can be intimidating because it reminds me of how vulnerable sex is and how human I am.
Sex is good for us. And, we can impact our desires by how we think, speak, and act when it comes to sex.
I would really sit with your thoughts and the narrative(s) that runs through your head when you’re tired or feeling meh about sex. Be curious about it.
This is only one example of a particular narrative. Based on your own stories and your own experiences, what scripts go through your head are going to look very different. What would it look like to pick one and challenge it?
I’m learning this, too, so this is one idea to try and to see what comes up! I would recommend using the Metanoia Catholic Daily Seven Journal to help with mindset work (this is not an affiliate link; just truly love it myself!). Their journal does a great job of allowing you to sit with a thought, recognize the lies and half-truths, and get at what might be holding you back.
You might realize that therapy or counseling could be helpful if there are other ties to your desire (or lack thereof) for your spouse. Again, be gentle with your spouse! Going to therapy doesn’t mean you’re in dire need or you’re messed up. It means you realize there is a block in your life/mind/emotions/body holding you back and you can receive help in order to experience freedom! And, isn’t that what we all desire??
It’s so good you’re asking this question and you want to have better sex with your spouse!
There is so much more that can be said on this topic, so we’ll start here for now!
