Sex might be uncomfortable for the first time! And, that can be normal because not only has your body never experienced this before, you also have a particular mindset, belief system and/or possible trauma at work, too. This can impact your experience of sex beyond physically learning each other. The vulnerability that comes with sex can also attribute to pain levels.
What’s important to know is this:
1) Ideally, you’re having sex for the first time with your spouse. This means that you will have many opportunities to keep learning each other, learn what you like, and learn what you don’t like. Having sex with your spouse allows commitment and security in your relationship, which can help you relax, so you can enjoy sex more. And, if it’s not that enjoyable – you can grow in enjoyment!
2) Take it slow. Don’t rush into it. It’s a BIG DEAL, but not in a bad way. Sex is a very good and beautiful thing and it’s okay to slow it down together and ease your way into it.
3) Communicate what you need and what doesn’t feel good. It’s okay to voice if it hurts or if you’re really nervous. Emotional intimacy is just as important and can help you to relax and trust your partner. It’s important they respect your wishes to slow down, take a break, communicate with you, etc.
4) It’s not going to be perfect. The movies lie to us and they are NOT a good litmus test for sex. Anyone having sex in front of cameras and a camera crew is NOT REAL LIFE. Sex is messy. Seminal fluid is messy (grab a towel!) and know that it’s okay if it’s uncomfortable or you might feel a mix of emotions (laughing and crying anyone?!). Being naked in front of your spouse is vulnerable.
5) Mindset, belief systems, and/or previous trauma can impact how you respond/how you feel. If you’ve had purity culture rammed down your throat or you’ve struggled with porn or perhaps a mix of both (whatever it might be!), this can impact your experience with sex. If you find sex is horribly painful or the pain doesn’t go away with intimacy moving forward, it can be so helpful to work with a pelvic floor therapist and psychologist/therapist to help you navigate what may be a block for you in experiencing great sex. Don’t wait to get help or grin & bear it.
6) God did not create sex for you to offer it up. He created it for you to experience the mystical reality of the love of the Trinity and it is designed to bring you and your spouse together in communion. There are spiritual and physical realities of sex. You are worthy of having wonderful sex with your spouse! The journey to great sex may be hard and, at times, painful, but you are not meant to stay here. Getting the support you need is so helpful and important.
Here’s a link to my post about 5 practical tips for great sex.
Additionally, I’d recommend checking out Good Catholic Sex for more info.
